Depression

Summertime Blues is a Punk

by Bill Brenner July 6, 2010 Depression

When I’m at that point where the tools make things better, the best way to describe it is that I get out of my own way and show up for life.

The Downward Spiral

by Bill Brenner June 29, 2010 Depression

I was going to start this with some amusing anecdote about how I’m suffering so others might be saved. Jesus already did that sort of thing, of course. Dopes like me think it’s good to suffer to benefit others, but it’s really just delusional thinking we engage in to feel better about ourselves when the chips are down.

Emotions That Come from a Strange Place

by Bill Brenner June 28, 2010 Depression

The author finds himself walking between depression and hope. A strange place to be. (Written during a depressive episode in 2010.) Mood music for this post: Henry Rollins’ “I Think I Know You” performed over “A Warm Place,” from Nine Inch Nails’ “Downward Spiral” album: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CPIT4nsT24&hl=en_US&fs=1&] Yesterday was a perfect example of the strange place I’m in emotionally these days. It started well enough. A good Mass at church in the morning, a phone conversation…  [Read More]

Turning the Tables on Those Who Whine

by Bill Brenner June 26, 2010 Depression

The author has a low tolerance for those who bitch. But he’s about to do it anyway. Mood music for this post: “Thorn in My Pride” by The Black Crows: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d-xq6q72cA&hl=en_US&fs=1&] This post is about whining and hypocrisy. For much of my adult life, I’ve had a low tolerance for people who whine about every little thing. I say adult life, because as a teenager all I did was whine. Facebook has become a favorite…  [Read More]

If it Breaks, Let Someone Else Fix It

by Bill Brenner June 23, 2010 Depression

Two incidents illustrate the fault lines that remain with my personal brand of OCD. Mood music for this post: “Coming Undone” by Korn: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioJ9ZHqzMT0&hl=en_US&fs=1&] “Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.” — Dark Helmet, on discovering that the cancel button for his ship’s self-destruct command was out of order. Yesterday was a bad day for our Internet to crash. I was working from home and had a lot of stuff to do. Today is a bad…  [Read More]

Every Gift But Length of Years

by Bill Brenner June 11, 2010 Depression

An untimely death has the author rethinking the meaning of life. Mood music for this post: “Alive” by P.O.D.: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFG820EwvUQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&] After JFK Jr., his wife and sister-in-law were killed when the plane they were in hit the ocean in the summer of 1999, the late Sen. Edward “Uncle Teddy” Kennedy said at the memorial service that his nephew had “every gift but length of years.” It reminds me of an interview done years ago with…  [Read More]

These Piss Me Off (But Won’t Cut Me Down)

by Bill Brenner June 4, 2010 Depression

I’m a light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel/glass-is-more-than-half-full kind of guy. But sometimes I wake up in a bad mood and let my brain smolder over stupid things. This is one of those mornings. To roll with the moment’s mood, below are a few of the things that piss me off. It’s useful to get angry sometimes — as long as we don’t let it break us. Mood music for this post comes in two flavors: “God’s Gonna Cut You…  [Read More]

Hiding in Movies

by Bill Brenner June 3, 2010 Children's issues

The author used to pretend he was a character from movies and TV shows. Then he realized his own life was much more interesting. I used to channel my OCD on movies and TV shows with larger-than-life heroes and villains. Star Wars. Superman. Star Trek. It beat the hell out of real life. I guess it started when I was around 8 and first starting to get really sick from Crohn’s Disease. I had just…  [Read More]

Prozac Summer, Part 2: Timing’s Everything

by Bill Brenner May 27, 2010 Depression

The author has a meeting with Dr. Prozac, and learns a couple things about dosage and timing. Turns out the two are connected. Mood music for this post: “Show Me How to Live” by Audioslave: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVXIK1xCRpY&hl=en_US&fs=1&] So I’m back from an appointment with Dr. Prozac, who I introduced you to this morning. I’m staying at the lower dose of Prozac until Aug. 1, then she wants me back on my winter dosage. This surprised me….  [Read More]

Prozac Summer

by Bill Brenner May 27, 2010 Depression

The author on the tricky balance between Prozac and sunlight. Mood music for this post: “Times Like These” by The Foo Fighters: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhzmNRtIp8k&hl=en_US&fs=1&] This post is a sequel to Prozac Winter, which I wrote back in January. Back then, I was experiencing some hefty mood swings, which is pretty normal for me at the start of winter. I was listening Nine Inch Nails a lot, which is never a good sign. My therapist and a…  [Read More]

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