Fear and anxiety

A Relapse Isn’t The End Of The World

by Bill Brenner September 16, 2011 Addiction

When a person relapses back into addictive behavior, it seems like the end of the world. Everything they’ve worked for is in ashes, and they embrace their old demon with reckless abandon. It shouldn’t have to be that way. Mood music: [spotify:track:1JKiRbc7uA6B9QrO3I1zZH] I’m thinking hard about this because I came close to a relapse recently, and a friend now finds himself in a full, free-falling backslide. A lot of people have a hard time seeing…  [Read More]

I Miss The Fighting

by Bill Brenner September 13, 2011 Communication Skills

In yet another sign that I’m not playing with a full deck, I realized this morning that I miss the fighting between my best friend and his father. Mood music: It’s another stray memory that came to the surface as I went to the wake and funeral for Al Marley. Al and Sean used to have some blistering arguments at the dining room table over religion and politics, appearances — you name it. At the…  [Read More]

Deal With It, Get Over It And Get Out Of My Way

by Bill Brenner September 12, 2011 Addiction

It’s been an emotional few days. I came to the edge of a relapse. A father figure died. Then there was the 9-11 anniversary. This stuff can burn a person down to nothing. But I don’t burn like I used to. Mood music: It’s funny how people react not only to their own adversity, but that of others. Some people become incapacitated with grief when a pet dies and some of us want to say,…  [Read More]

My Brain Is On The Pavement. But At Least I Showered

by Bill Brenner September 9, 2011 Addiction

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment my recovery started getting wobbly and I started getting sloppy. I don’t know if it’s fully accurate to call this a relapse, but it’s pretty damn close. Mood music: One thing is certain: I’m in a shaky place lately, and this is as good a place to sort things out. Talking is always better, but sometimes I have to write it. I’ve been very tired lately, and in my…  [Read More]

Clearer Language From The Catholic Church On Suicide

by Bill Brenner September 5, 2011 Depression

For those, like me, who struggle with suicide, particularly how the Catholic Church feels about it, I have something useful a good friend sent to me this afternoon, presumably after reading this morning’s post. Mood music: http://youtu.be/jrRfoEEDENo From the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “2282 Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.  2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation…  [Read More]

What’s The Worst That Can Happen?

by Bill Brenner August 31, 2011 Depression

A friend keeps telling me about big fears he has of not getting the mortgage paid and being homeless. There’s no danger of that happening. But OCD and reality rarely see eye to eye. Mood music: He wrote: My Biggest Fear is that we will lose our house because we will get too far behind in our mortgage and we will end up homeless.  I even wrote a script that details how it all happens…  [Read More]

This Is No Place To Make Amends

by Bill Brenner August 29, 2011 Adventures in writing

After running the post “Bully’s Remorse” a few days ago, it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, writing it was a mistake. Or maybe it simply didn’t go far enough. Mood music: [spotify:track:5rpRzNcJZqKQXk9PIjreB6] Like many topics in this blog, I wrote it to yank another skeleton out of the closet and acknowledge that as a teenager, while I was getting bullied and should have related to others who were bullied, I just turned around…  [Read More]

Screw Hurricane Irene. Let’s Rock!

by Bill Brenner August 26, 2011 Children's issues

On my facebook wall, an old friend, Taimee Leary Scarpa, posted this: “Hope you have a happy birthday. Hope you are able to fit in some fun before you start taping your windows for Hurricane Irene, lol.” She was referring to the events I described in the post “Fear and Duct Tape.” Truth be told, Hurricanes stopped scaring me some time ago. Learning to ditch the fear and anxiety of my younger years is the main…  [Read More]

41 Years

by Bill Brenner August 26, 2011 Addiction

Some people get depressed on their birthday. Not me. The fact that I turn 41 today is a freak of nature. But a year into my forties, I know I have more cleaning up to do. Mood music: Item: When I was sick with the Crohn’s Disease as a kid, I lost a lot of blood and developed several side ailments. I’m told by my parents that the doctor’s were going to remove the colon more than…  [Read More]

A Call From My Mother

by Bill Brenner August 25, 2011 Children's issues

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m working from home, face behind the computer. My kids and two neighborhood kids are tearing though the house, overturning everything in sight. Then the phone rings. Mood music: “It’s been five years,” the voice on the other end says. “Can’t we fix this?” It’s my mother. I saw her at my cousin’s wedding two weeks ago but we largely avoided contact. We’re six years into an estrangement that I think is…  [Read More]

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