Posted on

Pounding the Reset Button

I mentioned Monday that I’ve hit a wall in my recovery program. Last night I decided some changes are in order.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9F8QM3tjkTE&fs=1&hl=en_US]

Making changes is a bitch. It’s almost like admitting failure. I haven’t failed on the big things. I’ve held on to my abstinence and sobriety. But in a lot of areas I’ve gotten sloppy.

A collection of tiny failures can add up.

I’ve gotten bored with my current plan, and as I’ve said before, boredom is poison for the addictive personality.

Boredom means the mind is free to start spinning. I feel uneasy and can’t settle on anything. Then I’m in the kitchen, looking through the cabinets.

I see a bottle of gin and consider taking a swig. If I do, surely no one will ever know. I see cupcakes Erin baked for the kids. Surely no one will notice if one goes missing. Or two. Or five. For about 20 minutes, I’m standing there seriously thinking about breaking both my abstinence from binge eating and my sobriety. Erin doesn’t have to know. My OA sponsor doesn’t have to know.

Then I come to my senses and leave the kitchen. Instead of doing what I used to do all the time, I make a couple calls to fellow addicts in recovery, take a shower and go to bed.

But if I let the boredom stick around for too long, one of these days I’ll be in a similar scenario, standing in the kitchen, and things won’t end as well as they did before.

I don’t want that.

So I’m pounding the reset button. Changes have to be made in the food plan. I might need to change sponsors, even though I love mine to death. I just need a fresh perspective.

I might have to stop sponsoring other people for awhile. I don’t feel right telling other people how to manage their recovery if my own recovery needs work.

Admitting that I have to do something is liberating. I feel a weight starting to lift off my shoulders.

It always feels better to be honest with yourself, because lies weigh you down.

For those who might worry about me over this, don’t. It’s all good. 

As anyone with long-term sobriety and abstinence will tell you, changes are always necessary from time to time. It’s like an oil change for the car.

This is a process I’m supposed to go through. And I get to go through it without having a full-blown relapse, which is mighty lucky of me.

The reset starts in 45 minutes, when I talk to my sponsor.

Posted on

OCD Screening Quiz

The Psych Central website has a very thorough, pretty cool test you can take to see if you have OCD. Is it wrong that I had fun taking this screening? Perhaps. Let’s see how I did…

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tBaMlAUj08&fs=1&hl=en_US]

1. concerns with contamination (dirt, germs, chemicals, radiation) or acquiring a serious illness such as AIDS?

I used to worry myself into a frenzy over colon cancer. Given my history with Crohn’s Disease, I’m at a much higher risk of getting it someday. I don’t really worry about it anymore, though. I get the test every couple years, so chances of early detection are better than average.

2. overconcern with keeping objects (clothing, groceries, tools) in perfect order or arranged exactly?

As a kid I always had to have my Star Wars action figures arranged just right. I guess I got over that when my obsession turned to fire and I decided lighting the figures on fire was more important than having them arranged just right.

3. images of death or other horrible events?

All the time. Losing a brother and two best friends really exacerbated this problem. When I had kids, I worried to the point of rage that something bad might happen to them.

4. personally unacceptable religious or sexual thoughts?

That one’s complicated. The short answer is yes. I’ll have to describe it more thoroughly in a future post.

Have you worried a lot about terrible things happening, such as…

5. fire, burglary, or flooding the house?
Yup. Ever since the flooding we got during the Blizzard of 1978, I had a major fear of a repeat scenario. As a kid my mood hinged very delicately on each weather report. I must be better now, because my first instinct with a storm is to go out and get pictures.
6. accidentally hitting a pedestrian with your car or letting it roll down the hill?
Not really. I have hit my share of squirrels, but that was their fault for running into the street.
7. spreading an illness (giving someone AIDS)?
Yup. Specifically, spreading Crohn’s Disease and OCD to my children.
8. losing something valuable?
Fear of loss extends to material objects. But since I’ve found something much more valuable in my recovery program, the materials don’t matter as much.
9. harm coming to a loved one because you weren’t careful enough?
See question 8.
10. Have you worried about acting on an unwanted and senseless urge or impulse, such as physically harming a loved one, pushing a stranger in front of a bus, steering your car into oncoming traffic; inappropriate sexual contact; or poisoning dinner guests?
More than once I thought of beating the guts out of a former boss. I’ve also had repeated thoughts of punching my mother in the face. I’d never really act on these thoughts, though. I worry about hitting my kids. But 9-plus years into parenthood, I’ve kept my hands to myself. ‘
Have you felt driven to perform certain acts over and over again, such as…
11. excessive or ritualized washing, cleaning, or grooming?
Of course.
12. checking light switches, water faucets, the stove, door locks, or emergency brake?
All of ’em. Not so much today, but in younger years it consumed me.
13. counting; arranging; evening-up behaviors (making sure socks are at same height)?
Yes, but not socks. More like pens and objects on my desk. Also, couch pillows and curtains. And the kitchen tablecloth.
14. collecting useless objects or inspecting the garbage before it is thrown out?
Not really.
15. repeating routine actions (in/out of chair, going through doorway, re-lighting cigarette) a certain number of times or until it feels just right?
Yup. Checking the laptop bag to make sure the laptop is in there (I’ve left the office late many times over that one), checking my desk to make sure everything is just so, checking the clothes I’ve put out for the next day to make sure all garments are accounted for.
16. need to touch objects or people?
This one kinda ties into the last question.
17. unnecessary re-reading or re-writing; re-opening envelopes before they are mailed?
I used to take three times as long to file an article at work because I would repeatedly re-read what I wrote. Unfortunately for my colleagues, I did it out loud. I never do that now. I bang out my article, hit send and go for more coffee. Or, on occasion, a cigar.
18. examining your body for signs of illness?
There was a mole on my arm that always consumed me with worry, but I was always too scared to have it checked out. I thought I was growing skin cancer. It became a moot point when the mole came off in the shower one day. Maybe it wasn’t a mole after all. 
19. avoiding colors (“red” means blood), numbers (“l 3” is unlucky), or names (those that start with “D” signify death) that are associated with dreaded events or unpleasant thoughts?
Not really. And we did name one of our children Duncan.
20. needing to “confess” or repeatedly asking for reassurance that you said or did something correctly?
I used to always beat myself for not measuring up on the little things at work. I stopped that about three years ago. My work has NOT suffered as a result. In fact, it’s better.
Posted on

Passing Insanity to Your Kids

This weekend a friend asked if I worry about passing the “crazies” on to my children. The answer: Every day. But here’s why I don’t despair about it like I used to.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZeybYbTblM&fs=1&hl=en_US]

First, a few facts: Some of my quirks were definitely passed down to me from my parents. The OCD comes straight from my mother, and the emotional wall I sometimes put up to deal with it comes from my father. That binge eating would become the root of my addictive behavior should surprise no one. It runs deep in the roots of the Brenner family tree.

I see signs of my defects in Sean and Duncan every day.

Sean has more than a few OCD characteristics. When the boy gets into something, be it a computer game or Legos — especially Legos — he goes in deep and lets the activity consume him. In other words, he approaches these things compulsively.

Duncan, like me, gets a bit crazy when the daylight recedes. His mood will swing all over the place and he has the most trouble in school during winter time. To help remedy this, Erin recently bought me and Duncan happy lamps — essentially sunshine in a box. Despite the skepticism Duncan and I shared over it, the things actually seem to be working.

I don’t curse the fact that the kids inherited some of my oddities. As far as I’m concerned, those quirks are part of what makes them the beautiful, precious children they are.

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to purge this stuff from them. I just want them to know how to control it in ways I never could at their age.

To that end, they have a lot going in their favor: First of all, the traits they’ve inherited from their mom will be priceless weapons in whatever fights are before them. She has given them — and me — a spiritual foundation that can’t be broken.

The other big win in their favor is that I’ve gone through a lot of the pain and hard work so that they hopefully won’t have to.

I’ve developed a lot of coping tools to manage the OCD, and I can pass those skills on to them.

There’s also not as much stigma around this stuff as there used to be. There IS some, to be sure. But my kids won’t be written off as behavioral problems and tossed into a “C group” like I was. I won’t permit it.

There are no certainties in life except that we all die eventually. I can’t say Sean and Duncan will never know depression or addiction. A parent can put everything they have into raising their children right. 

But sometimes, despite that, fate can get in the way of all your hard work.

It’s not worth worrying about those unknowns, though, because you can’t do anything about it. All I can do is my best to give them the tools I didn’t have at their age and pray for the best.

One reason I don’t worry as much as I used to about these things: Sean and Duncan are much smarter than their old man was at their age.

That has to count for something.

Posted on

My OCD is Alive and Well

Packing for a trip to Toronto, I caught myself doing some very OCD-like things. Even in recovery, it’s always there, below the surface. Here are a few examples.

Mood music:

What I did: I checked all the contents in my laptop bag last night. Three times. I took the laptop out and put it back in three times. I checked my digital recorder three times. I thrice checked to make sure the bottle of Prozac was where it’s supposed to be.

How it’s better than it used to be: Back in the day, I would check everything too many times to count. I would remove EVERYTHING from the bag and put it back in, then repeat the process up to 10 times. I left work late many times because I wasted time on this sort of thing.

What I did: I obsessively took care of house chores to make life easier on Erin. I took out the trash, made the kids’ lunches, carried down a basket of laundry, and went around the living room picking up toys and making sure everything was just so.

How it’s better than it used to be: In addition to doing these things, I used to pace around worrying about everything to do with the travel: Whether I’d get to the plane on time, whether the plane would get me to my destination without crashing, and whether I would measure up to the work task before me. That was the fear and anxiety eating at me.

This time, the stuff I did was useful and I didn’t worry about the rest. Now I don’t give a thought to the airport stuff. I just go to the airport and smoothly go through security and find my coffee. Instead of freaking out over lines, I’m more relaxed, talking to people in line and even enjoying their company.

I don’t obsessively review the schedule for whatever conference I’m going to. Now I look it over once and then play things by ear once there. I always get at least two stories and two podcasts done, and I don’t get sick to my stomach about getting it done. I just do it and I LOVE it.

The lesson of this post is that the mental ticks never go away entirely. And that’s OK.

Now when I catch myself in the act, I laugh at myself and move on. It’s a gift to be able to do that.

The real damaging, time-wasting and binge-inducing stuff is gone. What’s left I can handle. 

People who seek treatment for their struggles tend to go looking for the Happily Ever After. You’ll figure it out and never worry about anything again.

The thing is, that’s a bullshit notion. You’re not supposed to go through life without a care in the world.

The lessons continue.

Posted on

Out of the Closet, Into the Light

My kid sister-in-law told me a friend of hers has admitted to some hefty demons. I won’t mention the person’s name (I don’t know her, actually), but I know where she’s been.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:5F6rwEF15hN1jnhNk2YQHn]

This is a little message for her friend, in the event she someday stumbles upon this blog:

Outing yourself is a hard thing to do. When I did it, I was terrified at first because I thought my mental struggles would be used to define who I was. It gave me an appreciation for what it must be like when a gay person comes out of the closet.

I felt weird around my family at first. Ill at ease might be the best way to describe the feeling. I’m sure they felt the same. That I had OCD and related addictive behavior didn’t surprise them much. As my sister-in-law will tell you, I’ve always had an abundance of strange behaviors.

The people I work with were most surprised. I guess I did a good job of fooling them back in the day. But they have never defined me or treated me differently over what I’ve opened up about. I get the same fair shake as everyone else.

Since people keep their demons hidden for fear of bad treatment at work, it was an eye opener for me when I got nothing but support for coming out with it.

After awhile, it’ll be like that with your friends. They’ll appreciate you more, and they’ll be grateful that you came clean. Some of them will learn from your example, even though they may not know they need it yet.

I understand one of your problems is compulsive lying. There’s no need to feel like a freak over this, because everyone with mental health struggles and addictions lies. I certainly have. Hell, I’ve never met a so-called normal person that hasn’t lied. It’s not something to be proud of or accept. Lies imprison us and make our troubles deeper. But when we can stop living the lie, there’s a new peace and freedom that’s very powerful and hard to describe.

When I decided to stop living lies, I felt 100 pounds lighter. Physical pains went away.

I understand you are looking at taking medication. I take Prozac and it works. But I’m convinced it works as well as it does because I went through years of hard therapy as well. That’s the most important thing you can do: Find the right therapist to talk to. Therapy will provide you with mental coping tools that will make you stronger. By that point, medication becomes the mop that wipes away the remaining baggage.

Things may get worse before they get better. When you start dealing with this stuff, you find yourself learning how to behave all over again. You will still go through periods of depression.

This is when any addictions you may have will tempt you. Fight it at all costs. I didn’t at first. I completely gave in to my addictive behavior and I paid dearly for it. Even if you don’t think you have an addiction, it might be worth considering a 12-Step Program. The tools you learn from that will help you cope with the mental struggles at the heart of your troubles.

Coming clean doesn’t mean you get to live happily ever after. But happily ever after has always been a bullshit myth. But you will have an easier time dealing with the tough times. That may not make sense right now. But it will.

Here’s the thing about one’s demons: When they hide in the dark, out of view, they own you. They’re too powerful to beat.

Opening the door and forcing the sunlight on them is hard as hell. But once you take that step — as you just did — the demons start to shrink. The light always kills demons. They turn to ash and you become a lot bigger than they ever were.

That’s what I’ve learned from my experiences, anyway.

Congratulations on taking that first step. I wish you the very best.

–Bill

 

Posted on

OCD Awareness Week

UPDATE: If you’ve struggled with OCD, you should listen to Radio Boston at 3 p.m. People will be calling in to share their personal experiences. You can call 1-800-423-TALK or tweet @radioboston #OCDawareness!

Given all the sharing I’ve done on my struggles with OCD, it would be downright criminal of me not to spread the word that it’s OCD Awareness Week.

International OCD Foundation (IODCF)

The International OCD Foundation has done a lot of stellar work to break down the dumb stigmas around this condition and it has all kinds of things planned for this week. For those who suffer, check out the following information. I think you WILL get something out of it:

OCD Awareness Week | October 11-17, 2010

What

The International OCD Foundation and its affiliates from across the country will come together to educate their communities and the public as a whole about obsessive compulsive disorder and its treatments. Learn from the nation’s leading experts about how they work with those who suffer daily from the debilitating disorder. Have the opportunity to hear testimonials from patients both recovering and just beginning treatment and learn about the different treatments and therapies that help people hold jobs, balance relationships with family and friends, and lead more typical and productive lives.

Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an all-consuming, debilitating disorder that affects up to 4 million people in the United States. The disorder also affects millions more: family, friends and caregivers of those with OCD suffer along side their loved ones.

OCD Awareness Week is presented by the International OCD Foundation as a vehicle for support, advocacy and education to help end the stigma surrounding OCD and encourage sufferers to identify the disorder and / or seek treatment. The national Foundation has enlisted the support of its Affiliates nationwide to join in this education effort.

How to help:

Posted on

Say Hello to My New Limit

Another mood swing this afternoon. The dark, brooding sky appears to be rubbing off on me. The happy lamp helps, but if I sit in front of it too long I get the sweats. And it’s not the same as sunshine.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMWhk4u2c4g&fs=1&hl=en_US]

I’ve been having a lot of these episodes lately, and it worries me. It’s most likely the result of my sleep pattern being out of whack. I alternate between too much sleep one day, not enough the next.

The clouds don’t help. It seems like we’ve had a lot of gloomy weather lately, and too much of that will fuck with my head every time.

My biggest concern is that something’s off with the medication, though probably not. One thing I’ve learned is that if you don’t take care of yourself in other ways, like having a consistent sleep pattern, it will blunt the effectiveness of the drug.

The other problem is that I’ve overextended myself, being on team for a Catholic retreat, doing a lot of extra service in my 12-Step program and keeping busy on the work side, along with all the activity that comes with having a first and fourth grader.

Since shaking off the fear and anxiety and cleaning up my act a couple years ago, I’ve had a limitless appetite for new experiences. And so I’ve gone on the road a lot and taken on many projects in and outside of work.

It’s been a blessing. It still is. But it’s possible I’m starting to find my new limit. Perhaps I’m a victim of my own success. There are far worse problems to have.

This is actually a good thing. It’s healthy.

The trick now is in figuring out how to stop over-reaching and achieve the right balance.

It’s too bad I suck at balance.

But it’s never too late to learn how to do it right.

Posted on

Happily Ever After Is Bullshit & That’s OK

Often, when depression slaps me upside the head, it’s on the heels of a prolonged period of good feelings and positive energy. Especially this time of year, when the daylight recedes early and returns late. These setbacks can be discouraging, but you can survive them with the right perspective.

Mood music:

http://youtu.be/NqTuN-35580

It’s easy for people who fight mental illness and addictive behavior to go on an endless, futile search for the happily ever after, where you somehow find the magic bullet to murder your demons, thus beginning years of bliss and carefree existence.

I’m sorry to tell you this, folks: That line of thinking is bullshit.

There’s no such thing as happily ever after. If you want it that badly, go watch a Disney film.

I used to grope around for eternal happiness in religious conversion. But some of my hardest days came AFTER I was Baptized a Catholic. I eventually found my way to abstinence and sobriety and got a pretty good handle on the OCD. But there have been plenty of sucky days since then.

The slide back into depression this past weekend was an example.

I like to think of these setbacks as growing pains. We’re supposed to have bad days to test the better angels of our nature. We’re supposed to learn how to move forward despite the obstacles that used to make us hide and get junked up. When you can stay sober and keep your mental disorders in check despite a bad day, that’s REAL recovery.

This is where I consider myself lucky for having had Crohn’s Disease. That’s a chronic condition. It comes and goes. But you can reach a point where the flare ups are minimal.

It’s the same with mental illness and addiction. You can’t rid yourself of it completely. But you can reach a point — through a lot of hard work and leaps of Faith — where the episodes are minimal.

The depression flared up this weekend, just like the Crohn’s Disease used to. But I’m better now. And I didn’t have to take a drug like Prednisone to get there. I just needed a little extra sleep.

Prozac, therapy and the 12 Steps have helped me immensely. But they don’t take the deeper pain at your core away. These things just help you deal with the rough days without getting sucked back into the abyss.

The depression I experienced this weekend felt more like a flare up of arthritis than that desperate, mournful feeling I used to get. It was a nag, but it didn’t break me. It used to break me all the time.

That’s progress.

Maybe I’m not happy forever after, but that’s OK. My ability to separate the blessings from the bullshit has improved considerably in the last five years.

That’s good enough for me.

Posted on

The OCD Curse Meets the OCD Blessing

Something interesting happened yesterday. The OCD was running hot all afternoon and kicking my ass. Then, when I wasn’t expecting it, it gave me a second wind that worked out for everyone.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:4AAwBktkUB8LXGy5xNW3Rc]

I was running around trying to get things done before going to a National Information Security Group (NAISG) meeting and the kids were in their usual state of after-school chaos. Duncan was sitting over his homework, not really getting anything done, and he kept messing up the table cloth.

That table cloth, wrinkled and out of place, drove me absolutely insane.

In a classic moment of OCD run ragged, I repeatedly walked up to the table and fixed the cloth. Duncan would immediately get it rumpled up again (not on purpose — the thing just doesn’t fit the shape of the table and is easily knocked out of place) and I just kept coming back and trying to fix it.

I was fully aware that I was having an OCD episode, which is progress in itself, because once upon a time, an OCD attack would overtake me without my knowing what hit me. Erin came into the kitchen and, before she could point out what I was doing, I looked up and acknowledged that the table cloth was freaking me out.

Then Duncan finally got his homework done and the tablecloth was back in place.

As I wallowed in the tired moment, the phone rang. It was my sister-in-law. She needed a babysitter in a pinch. She was upset about it, too. Grandma was already coming to watch the boys, and I told her to bring the niece over.

When something like this happens, my first instinct is to make things as easy as possible on the babysitter. So the OCD kicked in again and before I knew it, I was getting everyone’s dinner on the table  and shifting around the bedtime routine to make Grandma’s life easier.

By the time everyone got here, the food was on the table and I was ready to head to my NAISG meeting.

I’m glad I could do that.

It just goes to show what a two-faced bitch OCD is.

Most of the time she makes life unmanageable and fuels my self-destructive behavior.

Then she turns around and gives me the extra push I need to move forward. When she does that, it’s like I have super powers.

And that is my curse. I have to keep the OCD at bay because it would destroy me if left to run hot around the clock. I went through all kinds of hell to bring it under control.

But every once in awhile, I’m glad I have it, because it can come in handy.

I don’t want it most of the time.

But sometimes, I’m afraid of what life would be like without it.

Posted on

The Mood Swings Low

For reasons not immediately clear to me, I’m in the midst of a mood swing. The day started off well enough, so as a little exercise I’m going to bang on this keyboard and see if I can figure out what’s what.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYUm5T8uQIY&fs=1&hl=en_US]

I woke up at 4 a.m. tired but happy. I was out late last night at one of the planning meetings for a weekend Catholic retreat I’m on team for next month and I was assigned a cool talk to give during that weekend. The coffee was good and strong and I got to work ahead of the traffic and thunderstorms.

I talked to my OA sponsor and talked to one of the guys I sponsor (another sponsee was late calling and I never got a chance to call him back). I wrote a blog entry and plunged into work. Good day so far. I was especially glad to be writing something, since I’ve been doing a lot more editing and planning than writing these last two weeks. I’m always happier when writing articles.

I think the spark for the mood swing happened during the writing of that article. It’s for a three-part series and while I have a crystal-clear idea of where I’m going with parts 2 and 3, I hit a wall writing the first one. I didn’t have as clear a sense of where I was going and it slowed me down. So instead of writing all three articles, I only got through one.

Ridiculous, you say? True, three write-ups in one day is a lot to expect and most people are happy to finish one. But writing multiple items in a day is something I do all the time. I wouldn’t care as much if not for a burning desire to get the series off my plate before heading to New York for a conference Sunday.

The second spark, I think, is that my editor hadn’t gotten to reading my story by the time I left and I had high hopes of posting it this afternoon. This is also me being ridiculous, because it is not time-sensitive stuff. But I am a control freak and when my work is in someone else’s queue I have no control. That stuff I wrote this morning about learning to surrender? Sometimes I suck at following my own wisdom.

So I guess I know what my problem is now. I don’t feel like I was productive in my work today, and I thrive on being productive.

That’s a sucky feeling.

But it’s too bad. I know I just have to get over it and move on.

Tomorrow is the chance to do better. Tonight I’ll just move on.

I also could have gone on a binge like I used to when feeling unfulfilled at the end of a day. But I didn’t.

There. I feel better already.