OCD

My Happy Lamp Isn’t Working As I’d Hoped

by Bill Brenner January 5, 2012 Depression

Me and the happy lamp Erin bought me to combat winter depression aren’t seeing eye to eye. Everyone I talk to who uses one says it works. But here’s my problem… Mood music: http://youtu.be/UXFUnnoSphY As I stare at the florescent glow that’s supposed to simulate sunlight, a nagging thought dogs me: “It’s just not the same as real sunlight,” I keep telling myself. There’s something about genuine sunlight — how it bounces off trees and…  [Read More]

Do I Think About My Disease 24-7?

by Bill Brenner January 4, 2012 Addiction

Someone recently asked if I think about my disease 24-7 and, if so, whether doing so is perilous to those around me. In this case, the disease is OCD and the addictions that go with it. Mood music: Let me try to take a stab at addressing that: I don’t think my disease should define me and keep me in a box. But it’s also a major part of who I am and how I…  [Read More]

Another Brick In The Wall

by Bill Brenner January 3, 2012 Depression

I’ve tried hard to demolish the wall I hide behind when my mind isn’t right. But whenever I think I’ve made progress, shit happens and I find it’s taller and thicker than ever. Mood music: My latest mood swing has me thinking hard about how I allow this to happen. Far as I can tell, I do make progress, but then I take my eye off the wrecking ball and the wall rebuilds itself when I’m…  [Read More]

Prozac Winter Has Set In

by Bill Brenner January 2, 2012 Depression

I’ve had some sharp mood swings in recent days. Now that it seems to be leveling off, I can write about it. Mood music: I made it through the usual Christmas blues in one piece and even enjoyed the holiday once it arrived. A week of vacation followed, and we Brenners did something we rarely do: Sit around like slugs. We needed it. We must have needed it really bad, in fact, because God sent…  [Read More]

My Mother Unfriended Me

by Bill Brenner January 1, 2012 Depression

A bump on the path to reconciliation after five years of estrangement from my mother: Angered over posts about my childhood, she has unfriended me from Facebook. Mood music: I wasn’t too surprised. I knew that recalling childhood as I remembered it wouldn’t sit well with her. But I was hoping — really hoping — that she would see the bigger picture I’ve been trying to present: One where I’ve turned out fine despite earlier…  [Read More]

A H5N1 Case Study In Fear

by Bill Brenner December 30, 2011 Coping tools

Sometimes my work writings crash head-on into this blog. Last week I wrote a post in CSO’s SaltedHash blog about how I thought scientists were reckless to mutate the H5N1 strain of bird flu. While there’s the obvious security component, part of my feelings on the subject go back to my years living with fear and anxiety. Mood music: http://youtu.be/-q-MorIES5I This isn’t a post to say I’ve changed my mind about this strain of bird…  [Read More]

Strep Will Trigger OCD, And The Beatles White Album Will Make You Kill

by Bill Brenner December 27, 2011 Mental disorders

An interesting news clip caught my eye this morning about how strep infections can trigger OCD. Thanks to my friend Traci Foust for sharing. Now for my skepticism. Mood music: As a clinical OCD case, I always have an eye out for articles on how OCD works and what the triggers are. I’m several years into managing my case, but you’re never past the point of learning new things. First, the news that brings me…  [Read More]

Yes, Virginia, There Is A Grinch

by Bill Brenner December 16, 2011 Depression

Everything about Christmas is infuriating me today. It’s progress, because Christmas once brought out deep feelings of sadness, and I prefer self-righteous fury over sadness. Still, this is supposed to be a joyful season and I’m trying to find that joy. After all, nobody wants a cranky bastard in the room ruining the party. So I’ve been seeking  THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, and I must admit the results have been mixed. One thing that makes me…  [Read More]

To The Child Who Thinks Obsessively

by Bill Brenner December 13, 2011 Children's issues

A few months back I wrote a letter to a girl named Addie, who has struggled with OCD. This is a similar letter for the child of a friend who is struggling with OCD and other mental disorders. Some of what follows was in Addie’s letter. But I’ve added to the previous thoughts because I’ve learned even more about myself and how to manage my own OCD since that was written. Mood music: Hey, there. My…  [Read More]

Seeds Of Rage At The Paul Revere School

by Bill Brenner December 12, 2011 Children's issues

My friend Marc Serra posted an eighth-grade class picture from the Paul Revere School, circa 1984-85. The scowl on my face says a lot about the time. Here I am, first from left in the back, looking like I want to stab someone in the eye: The photo was snapped maybe a year or so after my brother died. I was gaining weight by the boatload and couldn’t seem to stop. Some of the kids…  [Read More]

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