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The Hole in Your Soul

A lot of changes to my program of sobriety and abstinence are under way, and I feel like I’m running on nuclear power. Last night was my first Big Book Step Study meeting, which is quite different from the speaker-discussion meetings I’m used to. It only took me a few seconds to realize why I had to be there.

Mood music:

A lot of times when someone sobers up or stops binge eating, it’s a white-knuckle experience.

It’s not just because you’re missing your junk and the momentary feeling it gives you. It’s because the hole in your soul — the thing that drove you to addiction in the first place — is still there. If you don’t deal with that hole, you might stay clean for a year or two. But sooner or later, you’ll fall right back into the old, insidious patterns.

Speaker-discussion meetings are a vital tool for the initial clean-up. You can’t start working on the hole until you stop the addictive behavior. It did me a ton of good and I still need to go to those events, but it’s no longer enough. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is all about dealing with the hole, and studying it more closely is a must if I’m going to stay clean.

Studying the pages will also pull me deeper into the meaning of working the 12 Steps.

I also have a new sponsor starting this week. Instead of me simply telling him my plan of eating for the day, we’ll talk about the deeper issues at the heart of sobriety and abstinence. I’m looking forward to it.

My life is full of Blessings. This program is the one that allowed for everything else.

I’m glad I’m starting to take it more seriously.

A guy at last night’s meeting noted that there are two types of addicts:

–The type who is doomed and DOESN’T KNOW IT, and

–The type that’s doomed and KNOWS IT.

The latter type has a better chance of escaping that fate, because in knowing you’re headed for disaster you might be willing to take action. I’m glad I was that type.

I had an advantage: Several years of brutal therapy for OCD. The tools I had to develop to manage that are a lot like those you need to clean up. And it was all about identifying the hole in my soul.

It’s still there, but I think it’s getting smaller all the time.

Because I keep working on it.

I’ll have to until the day I die.

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A Sober, Abstinent New Year’s Eve

I used to revel in New Year’s Eve excess. I’d get blasted on vodka and “head-wreckers” in my Revere basement. I’d binge on Chinese food. I’d wake up promising God I’d never do that again, then I’d promptly break the promise.

Last night I stayed sober and abstinent. The food was weighed out as usual. I drank coffee. The niece slept over. Erin introduced Sean to “Dr. Who.”

Duncan read his cousin a bedtime story.

Life doesn’t suck.

Happy New Year.

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A Year in the Life

This isn’t a post about New Years resolutions. I don’t need a holiday to make changes in my life. IT IS about lessons I’ve learned in an effort to make resolutions.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNUU8jHXLMg&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0]

There’s been plenty of unpleasant stuff this year. I’ve watched two marriages fall apart. We had a couple months where money was painfully tight. My recovery has never been easy. But that’s life.

A big fistful of goodness slammed down on me, too. Me, Erin and the kids took two drives to the DC area and back. During the first trip we got a private tour of the White House West Wing, seeing the Oval Office, Rose Garden and press briefing room. I got to meet up with good friends in San Francisco, Toronto, New York and Chicago, among other places. My recovery was tested daily, but I held it together.

Making New Year’s resolutions used to be a compulsive activity for me. I was always so desperate for something better that I fiendishly and feverishly made lists of what I would do in the coming year:

–Stop binge eating

–Stop worrying about what other people think of me

–Stop trying to please everyone

–Stop letting my mind spin with worry

–Face down my fears

I used to go crazy about all that stuff, all to no avail.

By the end of the first week of a new year, these resolutions were cast aside. The eating resolution went first, then the bit about worrying about what others think.

Thing is, I eventually tackled everything on the list. But it was a much longer process than the instant-reset fixes we have a habit of pursuing at the start of every new year.

As far as I’m concerned, there is no reset button. The journey begins when you’re born and ends when you die. Case closed.

In that spirit, I promise to KEEP AT the following:

–I will keep drinking coffee and savoring the occasional cigar. I put down the food and have sworn off alcohol. We all have a collection of addictions, and my approach is to hold firm against those that cause me the most dysfunction. Coffee suits me just fine, and the cigars are infrequent.

–I will keep listening to metal music, because it keeps me sane.

–I will keep enjoying a good humorous tale, especially the off-colored variety. 

– I will keep up and increase the devotion to my wife and children. In doing so, I will keep up and increase my devotion to my Faith.

– I will keep feeding my appetite for history and learning from the hardships of those who came before me.

–I will write a TON of articles in the world of cybersecurity because it’s what I do and what I love.

–I will keep trying to be a better friend and colleague, regardless of the date on a calendar.

–I will keep working the 12 Steps, because it is essential to my well-being.

– And I will keep writing this blog, because it’s good for me and many of you have told me it’s good for you.

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Binge, Pray, Whine

I’ve never read the book “Eat, Pray, Love” and I haven’t seen the movie. I have nothing against it, it’s just that I have trouble with the “eat” part. Reading about that isn’t helpful to a recovering binge-eating addict.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cTJV3HK-Xs&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0]

My therapist actually brought up the book during one of our sessions. He wanted to know if I’d read it. I scowled at him and asked why the hell a guy like me would ever read a book like that. Then he started raving about what a powerful story of self-discovery it is.

I told him I don’t care about some woman traveling around the world eating, praying and loving. I have a habit of taunting my therapist.

By the way, he hated the movie adaptation.

I’m bringing all this up because a friend was on Facebook the other day expressing a similar view on the book — or at least her perception of the book.

She said she “refuses to read Eat Pray Schtup or watch the movie” and added:

“I just think there are too many adults who right tell-alls of their screwed up lives. It’s always a story like: “drink/drug/sex addict leaves abuser/partner/dysfunctional family to join an ashram/climb Everest/sail around the world and discovers another dysfunctional relationship/they are just as screwed up only better traveled/Jesus. Actually, I am OK with that last one but why can’t they just Grow Up And Deal withoout writing a pathologically narcissistic book about it?”

As someone who tells all about his formerly screwed-up life in this blog, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

There can be no doubt whatsoever that people like us have a strong narcissistic streak in us. You’ll never find a more self-absorbed person on this Earth than the one who struggles with mental illness and addiction. My personal examples are here, here and here.

But I think it’s OK to write about it as long as there’s some valuable insight for someone who needs it. At worst, it’s harmless.

I’ve seen good tell-alls and bad tell-alls. The bad ones tend to be books that focus on burning people other than the author. The “set-the-record-straight” crap.

People like us do get a ton of healing from the writing process. When we “tell all” we get all the slime out of our head. Most people do that in the form of a personal diary. I guess I did it as a public blog because I wanted other outcasts to see that they weren’t freaks and could go for a better life.

I do agree with my friend that the “going around the world to find myself” stuff is annoying as all hell. I recently saw a commercial on TV for a new series where this guy keeps having conversations with his dead brother and ultimately decides to take a boat ride around the world to find himself or become a man or whatever.

I glared at the screen and said to Erin, “Well that’s just stupid.”

I’ve had conversations with my dead brother plenty of times. But I didn’t need to steal a boat out if Quincy to purge the insanity in my head. Prozac worked for that. And my brother would have told me I was being an idiot, anyway. 

I have nothing against “Eat, Pray, Love.” How could I? I haven’t read the thing.

I also don’t object to tell-alls, as long as the author is honest.

As for some of the lines I’ve heard about from the book, including the one about God giving you Girl Scout cookies before slamming the door in your face, that’s pretty damn dumb, if the book really says that.

God would never give me Girl Scout cookies. He knows I’d just binge the box away.

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From Confusion to Wisdom

I’ve crashed many times while blasting down the road of life. The car is in one piece now and I’ve learned to throttle back some. And when I hear the following words of wisdom, I KNOW it’s the truth:

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agn4y-M1rjA&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0]

ACCEPTANCE

?”Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.” – Matt Baldwin, Snow Rising (thanks, Cheryl Snapp Conner, for pointing this one out.

“People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within.” – Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers

“The manager accepts the status quo; the leader challenges it.” – Warren Bennis

FAITH

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.” – Marian Wright Edelman

“Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active.” – Edith Hamilton

“Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible.” – Mary McLeod Bethune

FEAR

“Hate is a disease. It is fear’s messenger and it makes us do terrible things in a shadow of our better selves, of what we could be.” – Colin Farrell

“The robb’d that smiles steals something from the thief.” – William Shakespeare

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.” – Cheri Huber

“Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.” – Swedish proverb

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.” – Rosa Parks

“I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning how to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott

“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

FORGIVENESS

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee/And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.” – Robert Frost

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy

“In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart.” – Hillary Rodham Clinton

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” – William Blake

ADDICTION

“A grateful heart doesn’t eat.” — Over-eaters Anonymous saying.

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” — George Carlin

“when you can’t climb your way out of such a hole, you tend to crouch down and call it home…”
— Nikki Sixx (The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star)

“What’s worse? Being strung out or being fat?” — Nikki Sixx (The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star) 

“When You’ve lost it all….thats when you realize that Life is Beautiful.”
— Nikki Sixx

“If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” -AA saying

“I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven.” -AA saying

MENTAL ILLNESS

“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness” -Richard Carlson

“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all.”
– Bill Clinton“My friend…care for your psyche…know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves” – Socrates

“The main symptom of a psychiatric case is that the person is perfectly unaware that he is a psychiatric case.” – Oleg P. Shchepin in the New York Times, Nov 1988.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves.” – Carl Jung
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Done Eating by 3 p.m., Christmas Day

It was a good Christmas for me, for more than all the usual reasons.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eFiNud6fbU&fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0]

There was the usual joy: Being around family, getting the chance to lie around much more than usual, watching the kids go Christmas crazy.

Mass was good, with a homily that pointed out that Jesus was as human as they come during his 33 years of living as a mere mortal. He got scared, angry, enjoyed friendship, passed out exhausted after a hard day’s work.

One of the joys of the day was that I didn’t make it about binge eating like I used to. I had a normal breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was actually done eating for the day by 3 p.m.

To some it would seem like I deprived myself. After all, one of the things we like to do at Christmas is stuff ourselves. For the average person that’s fine. Most of the year they eat in the normal fashion and can afford to indulge on holidays.

But if you’re a compulsive binge eater like I was, chances are you stuff yourself holiday-style every day. Holiday eating becomes just another day in the dysfunctional neighborhood.

As part of my recovery from this crippling addiction, the holiday eating has to be reigned in considerably. To indulge is to fall off the wagon into relapse. I came close to doing that on Christmas Eve, 2009. Not this time, though.

And while that might seem like deprivation, to me it’s a gift.

I don’t have to pollute myself and fall to my eating disorder to have a Merry Christmas. In fact, it was a Merry Christmas BECAUSE I didn’t eat.

If you’ve done what I’ve done in the past, you’ll understand why this is so important to me. Especially since my recovery has been on shaky ground for awhile. 

I’ve kept it together, but got sloppy. I’m about to make some significant changes in my program as a result.

But for now, I sit here by the glow of the Christmas tree listening to old-school Van Halen and drinking coffee as my kids play with their new toys.

I’m not a bloated mess with a head possessed by flour and sugar.

And I’m grateful.

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No Flour or Sugar for Life? How!?

Some new readers came across my posts about eliminating flour and sugar as part of my recovery from a binge-eating addiction. The idea of eliminating these things for life is scary for some people. And who can blame them? It certainly scared the hell out of me once upon a time.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g86KUHGlOg&fs=1&hl=en_US]

Only after I kicked it did I realize how evil a combo those ingredients were to me. I envy people who can handle the stuff. It’s just that I can’t.

But you know what? I’d much rather have the freedom, mental clarity and weight loss than flour and sugar now.

I want to share one of the comments, from “Lorie”, and see if I can address it at the end:

“Just found your website. Sorry, but it made me cry (joy and sorrow). Happy that I found someone who articulates my own feeling so well and sad that I’m so out of control. I’m a serious sugar binger. Just finished off the Christmas treats I made for our family to give to friends. I’ve gone sugar/flour-free 3 times in the past,. – 4 months, then 10 weeks, then 11 weeks. Following each period of abstinence, I tell myself I’ve got things under control now. I can just eat moderately like a normal person.

If I can go cold turkey, I should be able to handle moderation. That’s logical right? This last time I lost 50 lbs. Man! That felt SO good! I reached my lowest weight two months ago and then, still off flour and sugar, easily maintained it over the next month. Then I decided I was ready to add in a moderate amount of sugar. I’ve been on a binge ever since, up 13 lbs. now. Each day I see the scale go up and my heart sinks. What kind of a crazy person does this to themselves?

“Every day I start out saying I’m not going to eat sugar today. My anxiety builds to the point that I break and then the lies start. ‘I’ll just eat one piece.’ ‘I won’t eat the rest of the day.’ ‘One more day of sugar won’t matter, I’ll start tomorrow.’”

“I’ve been convinced that I have a physical addiction, like an alcoholic. But yesterday I had an epiphany. This is as much or more like OCD than alcoholism. There is some serious OCD in my family. Grandma was a level 5 hoarder, mom’s got OCD, brother’s got OCD. I’ve always said to myself, boy am I glad I don’t have OCD like them. Yesterday as my anxiety was building until it was released with copious amounts english toffee I made, I realized, “you idiot, this is classic OCD.” Anxiety/Compulsive Behavior/Anxiety diminishes.”

“I have a degree in psychology. How can I have gone for 35 years and not seen this? Now what? I still don’t know how to stop. Hence the tears of sorrow. I don’t know if I have the strength to give up the sugar and flour again because I realized if I’m going to conquer this, it means a lifetime of abstinence, right?”

“How do you do it?”

I can certainly feel your pain, Lorie. I’ve had all those same thoughts play through my head at one time or another. Obsessive-compulsive thoughts always fueled the desire to binge.

I can also understand how you feel about the idea of giving up something “for life.” 

But in the final analysis, this is about making a life change. Sometimes we have to quit things we love for the rest of our lives in order to attain the quality of life that eludes us.

A diabetic has to give up a lot of ingredients for life.

A smoker who quits always misses the feeling of drawing smoke into their lungs. But they like that they can breathe again.

These choices can be hell. It’s also the kind of choice you need a doctor’s help to make. A doctor will always know better than me if you SHOULD give up certain things.

This program isn’t for everyone. But it IS for me.

It’s the only thing that ever worked.

I hope that helps you to some extent, Lorie. Keep fighting the good fight and you’ll eventually find long-term victory.

That’s my experience, anyway.

God Bless you.

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The Christmas Dispirit

Yesterday was a day for vicious mood swings. It started on a high note at work. I got a lot done and I’m loving this new newsy focus we’re transitioning to. But by the drive home, my mood grew as dark as the sky.

Mood music:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIaXYIEQivk&fs=1&hl=en_US]

Things got progressively worse at home. Sean and Duncan were high maintenance and I let it get to me much more than I usually do. I started thinking in absolutes, which is especially bad when it’s focused on all the negatives.

I was looking around at all the Christmas decorations with a scowl. I wrote the other day that Christmas doesn’t suck like it used to. But there are still days where I hate the holidays.

I love what it stands for.

I despise the capitalistic shit fest American culture has turned it into. And yesterday was a lot about all the things we HAVE to buy. I also get pissed off at all the Christmas shows that suggest this time of year be perfect, that we all be nicer to each other and be generous with our time and money so the less fortunate can have hope. The translation when I think in absolutes goes something like this: Be nice this month and we can all go back to being fucktards next month.

Public school systems do nothing to help matters and make the next generation kinder and gentler. Unless you’re in a parochial school Christmas is a secular affair. Keeping the Christ in Christmas might offend someone. So we focus on the decorations and the holiday spending. Hell, some schools don’t even allow the decorations anymore.

If you’re reading this and rolling your eyes because I’m suggesting the holidays should be more about Faith and that we should be nice to each other year-round instead of each December — and if you’re looking down at me because you think only the weak believe in God, I got two words for you, and it’s not “Merry Christmas.”

To be fair, those of my Faith can be assholes of a different sort this time of year. My favorite example is “Happy Holidays” vs. “Merry Christmas.” We Catholics get all pissy when someone says Happy Holidays, because there’s no Christ in there. So what if the saying is based on the fact that there are several holidays this time of year, covering multiple beliefs. “Happy Holiday” covers all the bases —Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, etc.

I still say “Merry Christmas” to people though.

Sounds hypocritical of me, doesn’t it? Getting on my high horse a few paragraphs above and lamenting at the lack of Christ in Christmas? But like I’ve said before, I can be a self-absorbed hypocrite with the best of ’em.

And that’s what I’ve been for the last 24 hours: Self absorbed. 

And there was no good reason for it, because in the final analysis my life is going fine. I’m blessed beyond anything I deserve.

I had a slip of the OCD. I let the dark weather and the holiday runaround get the better of me. That led to me obsessing about everything that’s wrong with the holidays instead of everything that’s right with it.

Classic OCD behavior. I guess you could call it a day in my life on the OC-D List.

Thank God I have a wife who knows the signs and moves in to help. Last night her and the kids did a bunch of my chores while I was at an OA meeting. She instinctively knew my load needed to be lightened.

It amazes me that she catches on the way she does, because I really suck at talking about it. I can write about it and the world sees in. But when it’s just the two of us, I have trouble opening up. I start channeling my father without meaning to. My Dad is a great man and I love him wholeheartedly. But he’s always had trouble opening up emotionally, and that characteristic seeped into my pores while I was swimming in the gene pool.

But I’m trying to be better. I’ll keep trying.

And now I’ll stop bitching, because I hate it when other people go on Facebook and bitch about the hard day they’re having.

Did I mention that I can be a hypocrite?

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Friends in Crisis

I have a few friends who are in crisis these days, making my own struggles seem trivial. Talking to them is a lot like living in the Twilight Zone. I’m used to being self absorbed.

Mood music:

[spotify:track:7bv9wNXN3FHKMRTMdi48fL]

I have to admit something: I’m not that good at being there for others. Lord knows I try, but I get so stuck in my own head sometimes that it’s hard to see what’s happening around me.

My failure on this front is most evident on the family side. Even before the relationship with my mother imploded, I always sucked at visiting my grandparents and calling siblings. I was always too busy with other things.

Actually, I was always obsessed with other things, some real, some imagined.

When my great-grandmother was dying, I kept meaning to go visit her. The week I finally planned to was the week she died.

I was terrible at visiting my Nana. Instead of loving her unconditionally, I was fixated on her quirks. Here’s the thing with a head case like me: It’s much easier to stew about someone else’s faults than your own. That may sound like a contradiction, since I talk a lot about being stuck inside my own head. But that’s part of the problem. People like me will come outside my own head for a few minutes just to spit on someone else’s quirks.

I’ve paid the price along the way.

I’ve had a lot of friends come and go in my life. Two of the closest friends died on me. It took a long, long time before I was willing to even consider getting close to anyone ever again outside my family.

And, as I mentioned earlier, family relationships suffered.

So here I am, a few years into recovery from OCD and addiction, and people are coming to me for a shoulder to lean on.

God has a way of giving you payback and blessing you with His grace at the same time.

I’m fortunate to have the friends I have, after all the fucking up I’ve done in life.

I hope I don’t let them down.

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Sponsor Shopping

The changes I need to make to take my recovery to the next level are well  underway. But an important piece of the puzzle might prove more challenging than I first thought.

Mood music (I’m on a deep Smashing Pumkins kick this week):

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4gFpiRD2PI&fs=1&hl=en_US]

I’m shopping around for a new sponsor. I need a male sponsor, and I need to change focus to a deeper study of the 12 Steps.

Seems simple, right? Well, it’s turning out to be a bit more complicated.

Sponsorship is a tricky beast. Some sponsors are way too controlling of their sponsees, in my opinion. You’re to do everything they say without debate. I know why this happens. There’s a saying in OA that when you seek out a sponsor you want what they have and want them to show you how to get it. A lot of sponsors take that to mean they should make sponsees do everything 100 percent the way they do or take a hike.

I don’t believe in that. In fact, I think it’s possible to get so obsessed with the mechanics of the program that it becomes another addictive behavior. A more healthy addictive behavior than binge eating, drinking and drugging, of course; but it’s addictive behavior nonetheless.

Don’t get me wrong. I think a sponsor has to have rules and enforce them. Otherwise the person they try to help will always go looking for the easier softer ways that lead to failure.

At the same time, no two people are exactly alike. Our needs are unique, and I think it’s a stretch for a sponsor to think a sponsee can do everything exactly like they do. Some people have medical conditions that mean they can’t follow the same exact food plan as a sponsor.

Some sponsors won’t take on someone like that because, in their mind, they are in no position to guide someone who has to eat differently.

For example, I don’t eat flour or sugar, and so some sponsors might say I shouldn’t sponsor someone who does eat flour and sugar.

I understand the logic, but I don’t necessarily agree with it.

There’s no specific playbook for an OA plan of eating. There IS NO playbook, actually. There’s no specific diet plan. The only requirement to be here is that you badly want to stop compulsively overeating. There are a lot of ways to get there. Discipline is a must, but discipline comes with a lot of moving parts.

As long as a sponsee badly wants to stop and is willing to be honest and open-minded, a sponsor should be willing to work with them. But that’s just my view. Sponsors have a choice in the end, too. And if they choose not to sponsor someone because that person doesn’t want to be a carbon copy of them, that’s their right.

It’s just not what I want in a sponsor right now.

I’m also a firm believer that everyone in this program should take their food plan to a nutritionist for adjustments. Sponsors are not nutritionists, though some like to think they are.

I have Crohn’s Disease, so I had to make adjustments that weren’t fully in line with what my first sponsor wanted me to do. I had to dial back on the raw vegetables, for one thing. I also had to add a couple ounces of potato or rice to lunch and dinner. My sponsor wasn’t comfortable with that, but went along with it.

Sponsors also have differing opinions on how many meetings to attend each week. Some demand three a week. I do two live meetings and one phone meeting a week. Some sponsors might call that too little. But then they probably don’t have children below the age of 10 and a full-time job. 

If that sounds mean, I apologize.

I want a sponsor who will guide me and help me stay clean without trying to outright control me. I want someone who doesn’t subscribe to the belief that I’ve failed if I don’t live my program exactly as they do.

Of course, we can’t always have what we want.